revelations

So one of the first milestones for me has come and gone. I hit the 50lb lost point..got into the 230s, and freaked the fuck out! If you asked me what was going on , even two days ago, I would have told you that my back and hip was the reason that I was slacking off. That I just simply couldn't exercise, and was eating like crap just because. I realized that I was scared. It still scares the crap out of me. Its soo foreign for me to be able to shop in stores and grab clothes in the larges instead of what I am so used to. I love the feeling, it makes shopping for clothes fun for the first time in EVER! But on the same note, it scares the crap out of me. As soon as I saw 239 then 238 on the scale I had a mild internal panic attack and started emotional eating all over again. Emotional eating, social eating, and eating when I was bored. I'm not going to say that I could have worked out while I was stuffing my face, but I could have tried a little harder. Just because I was limited to just walking, didn't mean that I should have given up all together.And just because I might have been in to much pain to work out, doesn't mean I had to give up completely. I could have still watched what I was shoving down my throat.
       I started to notice the scale creep slowly back up.  Gaining 6lbs back scared me more than being in the 230s. Having gone through 2 sessions of physical therapy, and feeling the relief from that has gotten me motivated again. I'm once again excited to start losing more weight, and look forward to the future me. Its hard starting all over again. BUT I would much much much rather start again at this point, then have the misfortune of gaining the majority of it back, and have to begin all over again from the very being. I'm hoping that with the addition of physical therapy, and more weight loss, my back will start to get better. Which would allow me to lead a healthier, happier, fuller life.

Cheers!
~Ainna <3

as always I have slacked

 I know that its been awhile since I have posted here. I put the blame fully on the new wonderful app that a friend turned me on to. myfitnesspal is amazing for me. I love that it tracks EVERYTHING , and still makes me accountable by posting my exercise and weight loss progress on facebook.

 Just realized (after looking at my posts) that I started my journey on the 6th of January. In less than 3 months I lost 28lbs. I am soo proud of myself, but the evil monster in the back of my head is yelling at me, telling me that its just not enough. I wonder when this monster will shut up.

 I also have a new evil monster in the back of my head called Col. Danzer. He's my new pcm. After him telling me that I NEED to lose weight for my hip to get better, then critized my methods (asking over and over if I was doing this in a healthy way, and not turning towards bulimia or anorexia). I realize that I did tell him the wrong amount of time, but even if I did say January instead of February, I'm pretty sure he would still be on my case. According to him, a healthy weight loss is no more than 5-6lbs a month. And apparently, because I am as big as I am, I am incapable of working my ass off.....literally. When telling him what all I was doing, he asked who told me how to do this, who's plan am I following. UGH! Seriously?! Is it really so hard to believe that someone can actually do this on their own without getting help from a personal trainer or weight loss program? God forbid if I actually ate healthy (healthier) on top of counting my calories. Wonder what he would say then.

So anyways.. I hear his voice and my evil monster's contradicting voice, and all I want to do is shut down, and not do anything. For instance, right now. I came downstairs, to work out, and instead I am blogging. I need to take this oppurtunity, while the boys are napping, and get my sweat on (yes i really did just say that). So for now, tootles. And thank you for reading my nonsense!

<3 Ainna

Week six

Today the scale reads 274.6. I know I should be happy about this, but I cheated and stepped on the scale a few days ago, and that's exactly what it read then too. This is the reading off of the new scale as I have no earthly idea where chuck put the old one. Alas, two pounds is two pounds regardless of where in the week I lost it. As I predicted I knew that this week would suck, as far as eating wise. I tried really hard to be good, but I had to taste test the frosting (only because I made it), and of course I had cake...and pizza...and chips... Ugh! Then it was Valentine's Day and I'm not going to lie, I did have a few pieces of candy. Even though I indulged myself, it was never anywhere near how much I would have typically ate in the past, even on a normal day. And for that I'm proud. I guess I need to only step on the scale on Thursdays so that I don't get disappointed.. Oh well lesson learned. YAY for 2 lbs!


<3 Ainna

Week 5

Today the (new) scale says 276.2 ! The old scale says 279.2... So I lost anywhere from 2-3 pounds this week. This makes me soo happy! No matter which scale I go by, either way, I am out of the 280s! Which means I have lost ten pounds so far!!! This gives me hope. One because yet again I have not eaten the best of foods. Two, because I hurt my hip and couldn't work out as hard as I wanted to the last two days. But most importantly because I am doing it and I know that I can continue doing it. I read an article the other day saying that no matter which diet you go by, it essentially only matters how many calories you intake and use. Calories are really the only thing that matters when loosing weight. So you could basically eat like crap, as long as you eat within your caloric limit for the day. Counting calories is easy for me when it's packaged items (duh). What I need to do is learn the calorie amounts of every day, non packaged, fresh foods. I try to limit the smount of food that I consume if I don't know how many calories it is. I hope that this week is just as productive, with Audric's party being in 2days!


Ciao!

<3 Ainna

Week four.....

What a let down ... Either my scale really is broken or my body sucks ass. I am sore and tired from working my ass off... And the (broken) scale only says 282.2. I had suuspicions that it was broken when I stepped on it earlier this week and it said 283, and I got excited because I was fully dressed. Yes, I weigh in while only wearing undergarments. So I was curious and stripped down to my skivvys, stepped on the scale again, and the confusion set in. Apparently I had gained two pounds in the seconds it took me to strip. SO last night I bought a new scale. A pretty awesome one that tells me what my supposed body fat percentage, and hydration level. I say supposed because when chuck stepped on it, he says the percentages were off. If he was at 25% body fat, he would not be in the Army.
I like the weight the new scale puts me at much better! The new scale has me at 278.4!!! See I think any one would like those numbers more. Chuck says to be fair I should still record the weight the broken scale says I am at, since it is the one I started at. I am happy to say that I will be restarting the week with the new scale. It seems to be the most accurate according to the other scales I stepped on last night.
So there you go. I either lost one pound or five! Either way. A loss is a loss, right?

Week three!

283.2 oh how I am so happy to see you, you lovely number you. I thought that it was not going to be anywhere near a good week. Yes I worked hard, but I ate bad. Not crappy, but I could have done better, and I will. So today I am a very happy girl! To think. I am three pounds from losing ten pounds. Ten pounds in (hopefully!!) four weeks? How I would be soo ecstatic! Three pounds here I come! And yes, I totally did a happy dance when I saw the numbers on the scale :)

Convinced Chuck to do Zumba with me one day. Seeing him struggling with some of the moves, hearing him breathe heavy, and seeing that he broke a sweat made me feel like I actually was doing work. I had doubts, let me tell you. I thought that I was just that much out of shape, and that was why I was struggling on some days, especially in the beginning. So having him work out with me was very helpful. While watching Biggest Loser this week, I asked Chuck oh he would do a last chance workout. He said he would...so maybe next Wednesday he will. Or whenever he can. I'm a little scared that I'll hate him that day lol.


See you next week!

<3, ainna

Week two

Well.... The good news? I haven't gained anything. Which is really good since, you know, gaining is the opposite of what I'm trying to do here lol! The bad news, obviously is that i haven't lost anything either. Which is very frustrating since, I've continued to watch what I eat for the most part, eating A LOT healthier, and definitely exercised way more than I have in ages. I'm still not exercising as much as I would likely to, because of my hip, but I think that is a good thing in the long run, since i have the feeling with my mentality here lately, I probably would go overboard with it. I've tried to exercise at least every other day, increasing the intensity if I didn't work out the day before. Yesterday I did an hour long session of Zumba, and today my hip is killing me, which is pissing me off because I want to work out more today. I think i should start walking the days I don't do Zumba just to do something. Well, anywho. There really isn't much to report this week, so I suppose I will write more next week. Hopefully this week is like the " dreaded week two curse" via biggest loser, and next week I'll see more results. I know I'm not working out at the intensity or for the duration that the contestants on The Biggest Loser are, but I'm doing what I can, and that's all that matters.

<3 ainna



***okay well, after looking back at my blog from last week, I an happy to report that I did in fact lose this week. Mind you it is only a pound, but a pound is a pound in the right direction. I will take all the (-)pounds I can get! Yay! I don't feel so disappointed now :) hey, you have to take your victories and except them when you get them! I'm damn proud of that one pound! I worked hard for that one pound. No, I'm not going to lie and say I'm not disappointed, because everyone wishes losing weight wishes that the one pound lose would be soo much more. But I have to take this one day at a time. I didn't gain the weight over a matter of weeks, so I can't expect to lose it in that quick of a time frame either. Though, t hat would be hella awesome! okay. Until next week ( for real this time).

<3 ainna