skinny mini, fat attack

         I know that i'm a big girl, there's no denying that. i find it ironic that the skinniest that i have been in a very long time was when i was pregnant, partially from working out, and partially because of "morning sickness". even though i know i'm a biggen, 9 times out of 10 i don't see myself that way, nor do i feel it either. its only when i try on clothes, or catch my reflection unexpectantly, that i remember that i am plus size. in my head i feel like im a size 12-14. it was fantastic that during my pregnancy i was close to it. so now after i push out a 6lb baby, i gain back all the weight, or damn near close to it, and all i can think is FUCK! i try to work out and it kicks my ass to do it. i am being constantly reminded that i need to build back my endurance. those who know me know that my heart likes to play games with me, and the one day that i was serious about working out , it kicked my ass. i was so out of breathe and my heart felt like it was going to literally beat itself out of my chest.

i know what it takes to get back to where i was. it's just the fact of getting back the motivation, the strength, the will, and findin the way. it was very time consuming working out as much as i did. and with a newborn and a husband with a demanding job, and limited childcare, its hard to do what i need to do to get back to where i was. i know i can do it at home if i wanted, and it seems like that will be have to be my option, but that has it's limitation with a son who wants to be held all the time, or fed every 1-2 hours more times then not.  i know that these are all excuses. i think more than anything, i miss my workout buddy. with sam, i knew that we were in the same boat body wise, and even though i know she's going to read this, and even though i know it wasn't a competition technically, to me it was. i used her as an extra motivation, and pushed myself that much harder to "beat " her on the scale that week. i felt bad doing it, and even bad admitting it, but i'm a competitive person, i can't help it. i felt equally bad when she was working out just as hard, hell, even more because she had a very VERY physical job (trust me i know! i did her job for a day and it wiped me out!.. and she did this 5 days out the week!!), and not seeing the results she wanted.

for me the whole weight issue is a double edged sword . i love the way my body felt with the weight loss, i loved the endurance level i worked up to. but i hated the attention. the attention was the whole reason i had put the weight on in the first place, and mentally i know im not ready to shed it. ( i started putting the weight on because "my father" always commented on how disgusting he thought bigger females were, and didn't understand why anyone would find them attractive. so i figured that if i were to become one of those people that he found disgusting, he would stop what he was doing to me, needless to say, it didn't work. so i ate because there was nothing else to do, because i wasn't allowed to do anything else besides school or work.) i still got attention as a big girl.. as i am now, and when i was bigger, but i got more when i was loosing the weight. i used (use) my weight as a shield. i could take the mental and emotional beatings as long as it prevented the physical attention i didn't want. and deep down i know i need to figure out how to be comfortable enough to drop my shield, and get healthy. for me it's not about looking awesome in clothes. for me, especially now its just to be healthy. before it was healthy enough to concieve a child. goal accomplished. now its so i can be healthy to stay around for my son. so i guess what i'm trying to say is ; my inner skinny mini is ready to fight back against the fat attack!!  my goal isn't to be stick thin, i was happy and healthier at a size 16, as opposed to a 20-22.  now i just need to get my head in the game and get the ball rolling. i have someone else besides me to live for now.. two technically but one more importantly.

post partum here I come

apparently i was very naive to think that ppd (post partum depression for you non acryonym folks) was something that wouldn't touch me. i thought that because i handled everything else that was thrown to me in my life fairly well that ppd wouldn't be an issue. i mean ok, i know i have issues with everything that has happened, but all in all, i was able to deal with it myself. im not saying that i can't handle ppd, but it truly has shocked me that it is affecting me as much as it is. its not the the extremes as some (like driving my kid off a bridge or anything that drastic) but i did have thoughts of walking away from my son, leaving him in a park alone until my husband came back from his run. i didn't do it, but it scares me that the thought even crossed my mind. but this is my cycle, if you want to call it that. i tend to know my issues and deal with it when they come along. i mean i don't instantly recognize them, but when i do, i acknowledge them and deal with them. wow that's making me sound like a nut case.. at least to me anyways. anywho.. this is me acknowledging that more than likely i have ppd, and now im going to deal with it in my way. im going to try to start doing the things that i found enjoyable.. and more importantly im going to brush away the thoughts of leaving my family, and STOP eating! yeah.. after this chocolate bar is consumed :)

pity party for one please

i'm here to you know? i don't like being the friend that's only there when they invites themselves to things, or when its convienent for you. i would rather you not pretend that you like me,  then me think that we really are friends and feel neglected and left out. i know that im not your only friend, and i am by all means not trying to say that you should invite me to every single thing. but just knowing that you think about people sometimes is nice. you can't say that you are too busy to do anything when you are always talking about doing things with others. its almost like its a one sided friendship. im tired of always being the one thats expected to make plans call..whatever..i should just take it in stride, and leave it be.. i'm just feeling lonely is all.    :)

blogging and getting to know the bloggy(blogger?) aka "Attack of the blog babboon! "

so first and fore most, welcome. i've been wanting to start a blog for awhile now, and figured today was as good as a day as any. i think i've decided that now was better then the past other times that blogging has crossed my mind, because i feel as if i actually have something worth while to write about , as opposed to the nothing ness that was my life before? no that's not completely true. i like to write like someone will actually be reading what i write, i think that's why all my attempts to keep journals have failed in the past, because a journal is considered somewhat more private then a blog. to me a blog is meant for others to read, not jammed under a smelly old mattress or crammed in some other secretive and equally smelly hidey hole.

hopefully people will actually read this, even if it is just family members. warning all readers now, there will be no guarantee of the consistancy of this blog, nor will it be promised that any or all will make much sense. some might also be quite serious in nature, and the rest just nonsense. more than likely the majority of them will consist of my son in some way or another, in which case, those will be anything but nonsense. i assume that if your reading this blog, then you know me in some way or another, so will more then likely not ramble on and on about myself, unless im using this as a venting tool of sorts. i do tend to ramble about things. and if you really do know me then you know i tend to talk about things in a random sense, spewing whatever thought that crosses my mind out of my mouth at that particular time. for example, i wonder if all moms have gotten their kids ear imprinted on their arm when they fed them at some point in time.. anywho. i think this is an efficient enough first blog. lets see how long i can keep this going.