when is it my turn to be a butterfly?

i want to be able to regain my power, to have the strength to forgive. but how do you forgive when you have soo much hate for that person? hate is a very contagious thing. right when i think that i am close to being able to let go of the hate, of the bitterness, to be able to forgive, people around me spread their hate into my heart, my soul all over again. how do you get the ones around you to forgive him, when you can't gather the strength to do it yourself? i know that i need to, not for him, but for myself. i know the longer that i use all my energy to hate him for what he did to me, for killing my childhood, for grooming me so well.. i know the longer that i do that, the longer i let him hold all the power, and that's something that i can no longer do. I need to claim it back for myself. i NEED to regain my power.. but how? i don't want the bitterness and hate to spread to my children. at times like these i wonder if turning to god would be the best answer...but its still so hard for me to believe in something..someone that lets things like this and worse to happen to the innocent. i want to know how to be able to spin myself into a coccoon, and emerge a stronger, powerful, person that is ready to forgive him, and her.....

My lil monster

I can't believe that on Saturday.. in 2 days my lil man will be 8 months old. I love just sitting and watching him reach and pass the littlest to the hardest milestones that a baby has to pass. I was soo proud when he started rolling over, front to back, then back to front at 2-3 months. Transitioning him to his crib was a blessing in disguise. I thought that it would never happen. It seemed like it was going to take forever for it to finally happen, but it finally did.
 Thinking back to all of that, and me remembering thinking how I just wish he would start crawling soon, because I just knew he would be much more content if he was mobile. Now I'm wondering what the rush was, ha! He started what we called zombie crawling at 6 1/2-7 months. He did this weird one armed pull thing across the floor, until eventually he started using his leg. He was very capable of getting on his knees, but couldn't quite figure out how to crawl that way.  He slowly started to manuver a few crawl steps on his knees and hands, but seemed like he felt that doing the army crawl got him to places alot faster. Before you knew it, he started pulling up on things, and that was his favorite thing to do. He always loved standing, but now that he could figure out how to stand on his own, he was in heaven, and we lowered the crib. Out of the blue he started crawling like a normal baby, soon after he popped out two of his lower teeth (his first teeth!!) and its soo fun watching him. He's becoming more adventurous, and has started following us around the house, and its the cutest thing ever. He's also now taking a bath like a big boy, and couldn't be happier that he can move around in the tub now! He's cruising along the couch, and will walk when you hold his hands, and am getting anxious to see him attempt walking on his own, much less stand on his own for more then a few seconds. Even though he's only got two teeth, he's eating and managing to eat more and more table food. He gets along with other kids and people so well, that i have no doubt he will be a great big brother.I love my lil man soo much, and I thank every day for him.

Isolation for 1 please

              i like how i used to think that having a child would help make me feel less isolated with the majority of my friends who have kids themselves. how ironic it was to feel the same isolating feelings as soon as it was made known that i too was going to be apart of the motherhood world. i understand that i pretty much put myself in my own hibernation state but, it wasn't a willing choice i made. my body pretty much put me on bed rest for the majority of my pregnancy. it wasn't until the last couple of months that i actually started to become mobile. i guess this is why i had such a hard time after giving birth.  it felt like people stopped socializing with me, or treated me just the same (sans baby) forgetting that i had to worry about someone elses's needs before my own, and i couldn't drive a million miles out of my way or do other things that i once was able to do without my lil man. why is it that some people almost forget what its like to have a baby? that baffles me.  so now, that i'm finally apart of the wonderful world of motherhood, i'm still isolated because the majority of the kids belonging to the friends i soo wanted to be apart of, are older.. yay me! i win again! LOL

NO i didn't have a child just to feel apart of the gang. i've always wanted a lil person that came from my spouse and i, or at the very least a miniture person to take care of that came from somewhere else. its just weird trying to jump from one world to another, and expecting it to be a smooth transition.

having him has helped me realize that i shouldn't be so bitter, naive, and whatnot. he has truly made me a better person. i've even reconnected with a previous friend who ended for some reason or another. i was tired of being bitter, and hateful. as soon as i made the conscious decision (with the help of my lil one) it's like a 10 ton weight was lifted of my chest. i never knew how much it weighed one down to be so negative and hateful (though there are still some people that will always be at the end of my hate). my mom and brother have both noticed the change, stating that their both soo glad that "i've returned to them, and am back to my old self".......i'm glad that they have seen a change in me. but they got it wrong. i'm not the old me, and never will be. the old me was very VERY submissive, never knew how to say no, and enough was enough, and pretty much was a door mat. yeah, i still have some of those things lingering behind, but not nearly as much as before.. anywho..

that was my rant for the day.. sorry if it made no sense. it made sense to me, and that's all that matters...

aloha aloha aloha

So I made my first semi solo plane ride on the 15th of this month to go see a dear friend of mine.i say semi solo because technically i wasn't by myself, i had my adorable son with me, but riding aboard a plane for the first time as an adult, relying only on myself to figure things out and with a 2 month old was a very intersting experiance. i was initially worried about how he would handle it, and how i would find my way around 3 different airports. the last trip i took via plane was with my mother, and i remember it being a very hectic confusing ordeal. i soon gained some confidence only after boarding the first flight to atlanta, finally realizing that i could do this, now all i had to worry about was how he would handle the flight. thankfully i didn't have to worry about any luggage minus our carry-ons because my husband had all of that already (he was already at our final destination thanks to his job) he did wonderfully on the first flight to our connecting airport in atlanta. in fact he pretty much slept the whole way there. migrating through hartsfield jackson international was easier then thought, past experiances there came flooding back and i pretty much knew exactly where to go with the quick glance at maps to aid me. the plus side of traveling solo with an infant is that they pretty much let you board the plane first. he did amazingly well on that flight as well, so much so that people were praising him, and one lady even stated how i could have made some money on the flight by getting people to pay me to hold him. i love it that soo many people love my lil one!! Anywho, we land and all is well. He only freaked out a little at the end because we had some slight turbulance right before we landed, but all in all, like i stated before, he did amazingly well!








so we get to the honolulu airport and i am immediately lost. that by far was the most confusing airport i've experianced thus far. i had no idea where i was and had no idea where to tell sam and chuck to pick me up at. i finally find our way out to a drop off area, and they still can't find where i am. turns out we were seperated by a level or two, and chuck being the amazing person he was began to hunt me down. needless to say they found me, and i was soo happy to see sam! it felt like ages since i had last seen her, and there she was standing right in front of me with her lovely kids, and her beauty of a truck! oh, yeah and of course chuck was there too. it was great having her finally meet the little man she had grown to know and i hope love that was growing inside of me when she left.







i arrived on a monday, and it was a long long day too. we didnt do much of anything besides get some jack in the box, and let me and the lil one veg out. i was sooo tired having had gotten up at 0247 do to my friends son (who was taking me to the airport) waking up and basically pinballing his way down the hall into his mother's room. so i was pretty much awake for 24+ hours the first day.







tuesday~ we went commisary shopping and explored the nex, which i loved! they were connecting buildings with a food court in the middle that had a korean bbq place! the nex was two stories and had anything you could imagine there. the commisary was pretty kick ass too. so we grabbed things for the week, including stuff for brian's birthday dinner. brian (sam's husband) seems to really enjoy my korean, and thought that would be the perfect birthday present from him. i love cooking for him, yet i am also intimidated cooking for him as well, him being a chef and all. i always feel like he's silently critiqueing me, even if it is just him trying to figure out what i'm putting into the food he's eating so that he can do it again himself. so far i think i've stumped him, mainly because i will purposefully stop cooking when he's around for that purpose. later on that night sam made spaghetti, kami came over, and brian and adam went off to their football practice. that was pretty much the end of that day.

wednesday~we finally made it out to the beach, with kami being our tour guide. that seemed to be the whole theme for the entire time i was there pretty much. we went to this amazing little beach that wasn't at all crowded and had lots of seaweed. it wasnt like the gross seaweed ive experianced on east coast beaches. this seaweed was pretty and not slimy at all! i was blown away with how beautiful everything was! even the pigeons there were gorgeous! i was soo happy to share that experiance with my son, even if he is too young to really enjoy it. BUT there's photographic evidence that he was there, and somewhat enjoyed himself, or at least i hope he did. he didn't seem to like the beach too much, and didnt seem to mind the taste of salt water and sand combined with his breastmilk heehee! i could have stayed out there forever, but i had to keep in mind the youngness of my son, and that he needed to get back to dry land, to well.. get dry and warm again.

thursday~ we went off to the north shore area of honolulu to go look at some sea turtles, kami of course being our guide. she was kind of bummed that they weren't on the beach like they normally are, but i still got to see them close to shore, and that was all that mattered to me. i think in total i saw 6 or so. we tried hard to take pictures of them, but you can barely make them out in the pics. the waves there carried loads of sand, much more than i would have ever imagined, and whenever one of us got hit with a wave, where ever the wave hit us, sand was sure to be there as well. poor iris! a wave had pretty much done a sneak attack on all of us, but iris (kami's daughter) got pretty much the brunt of it all, she was covered head to toe in sand after the waves ninja like attack. she was pretty much done after that. after we decide to leave we drove through a local surf town and tried to hit up a famous shaved ice shop, but the line was outragesly long, so we went to the one two stores down from that one. it was really good, until adam got sabatoged by the sidewalk and plummeted to the ground, gashing his knee open. in the shaved ice shop i found a squashed penny machine, which just made my day even more! oh i almost forgot! we also drove past a pineapple plantation, where i was shocked to find out that pineapples dont grow from trees!

friday~ kami took us to what she referred to as sparkle beach, which was located right below diamond head not to far away from wikiki. but before we went to the beach we went to this local diner, to eat some breakfast where i got to experiance coconut syrup. for someone who doesnt like coconut, it was really yummy! after breakfast, on the way to the beach kami pointed out to me the hotel that chuck was staying at.. all i could say was that he was one lucky bastard for staying there! punk! haha. the beach she took us was very accurately nicknamed. the sand was like someone poured tons of gold glitter and mixed it in. the water was slightly rocky, but i got to "experiance" snorkling and saw a sea urchin, some tiny silver fish, and collected some sea glass. we had to cut that beach visit short only because it was brian's birthday and i had to go cook. dinner was a success! i made kalbi, chop chey, and kimbop, with some side dishes as well. even though i cheated and used a store bought marinate for the kalbi that i vamped up, it all turned out great!

saturday~ we had learned the day before that chuck's trip was cancelled and he would have some down time on saturday so the day before brian got some tickets to the luau. before hand we went souvenir shopping at the local flea market that they had at the stadium. we pretty much spent all day there, and picked up some cool stuff along the way.that night we went off to the luau, where i finally got to spend some beach time with my husband, where we also got to see our first hawaiian sunset together. not only that but off in the horizon we could just barely make out the slightest signs of whales breaking the waves. the luau was fun, and the food was amazing.

 

sunday~ chuck had to get his gear ready, so we couldnt hang out at all, so brian took everyone else to the beach on the marine corps base. the waves there were so bad that they had more than half of the beach sectioned off for fin wearing swimmers only. the water there was gorgeous as well, but i've come to expect nothing less there. we spent a total of 5 hours there, and needless to say i experiance my first major sunburn. i don't know how those who burn frequently do it. that first day was hell!

monday~ sam and i made an appointment to get tattoos. i was soo excited, as i am making it a habit of getting a tattoo in all the places that i have visited, and it was a tattoo for my son. we some how got brian to watch the lil one along with his two, and iris. so not only did he have to watch 4 kids, but we also decide to throw at him a mystery basket night.(that's where we give him surprise ingredients, and he has to make an entree and dessert.) the whole time we were gone we asked numerous times how was everything, and brian being brian said that everything was fine. 5 hours later, we come back to find out that none of the older kids were listening, my lil one was screaming his head off, unless he was being held or was asleep, and when he did manage to go to sleep he was woken up by the loudness of the older ones. but some how he managed to not kill any kids, and cook dinner at the same time. he was telling us how Squeaks wasn't taking his bottle at all, and i just happened to look at where the bottle was and saw nothing but water in it. when i asked brian where his formula was, he proceeded to tell us that he thought that was it. i told him that the packet of formula was right next to the bottle, and that would explain why he wasn't taking the bottle.. his one response was "oh that's what that was!?" LOL

ooooh, the mystery basket! so i picked out shark, and turkey for kami since her preggo butt cant have shark, and sam got pineapple and mangos. the entree ended up being the shark that was marinated in guava and pineapple that was grilled, with a side of couscous with bacon crumbles on top, and fresh green beans as well. dessert was a pinapple bowl that had blackberries, raspberries, strawberries, and blueberries with a fantastic passion fruit syrup drizzled on top. omg was ever sooo tasty!

tuesday~ this was the dreaded day that i had to leave sam, kami, the kids, and hawaii.. we got lost at the airport trying to find the delta counter, and cried at the security check point. the plane ride back was a good one and shorter due to the jet stream on the way back.











so that was my first and hopefully not the last trip to hawaii. hopefully if i ever do go back it will be when Squeaks can actually enjoy it, and with chuck around as well.







<3

skinny mini, fat attack

         I know that i'm a big girl, there's no denying that. i find it ironic that the skinniest that i have been in a very long time was when i was pregnant, partially from working out, and partially because of "morning sickness". even though i know i'm a biggen, 9 times out of 10 i don't see myself that way, nor do i feel it either. its only when i try on clothes, or catch my reflection unexpectantly, that i remember that i am plus size. in my head i feel like im a size 12-14. it was fantastic that during my pregnancy i was close to it. so now after i push out a 6lb baby, i gain back all the weight, or damn near close to it, and all i can think is FUCK! i try to work out and it kicks my ass to do it. i am being constantly reminded that i need to build back my endurance. those who know me know that my heart likes to play games with me, and the one day that i was serious about working out , it kicked my ass. i was so out of breathe and my heart felt like it was going to literally beat itself out of my chest.

i know what it takes to get back to where i was. it's just the fact of getting back the motivation, the strength, the will, and findin the way. it was very time consuming working out as much as i did. and with a newborn and a husband with a demanding job, and limited childcare, its hard to do what i need to do to get back to where i was. i know i can do it at home if i wanted, and it seems like that will be have to be my option, but that has it's limitation with a son who wants to be held all the time, or fed every 1-2 hours more times then not.  i know that these are all excuses. i think more than anything, i miss my workout buddy. with sam, i knew that we were in the same boat body wise, and even though i know she's going to read this, and even though i know it wasn't a competition technically, to me it was. i used her as an extra motivation, and pushed myself that much harder to "beat " her on the scale that week. i felt bad doing it, and even bad admitting it, but i'm a competitive person, i can't help it. i felt equally bad when she was working out just as hard, hell, even more because she had a very VERY physical job (trust me i know! i did her job for a day and it wiped me out!.. and she did this 5 days out the week!!), and not seeing the results she wanted.

for me the whole weight issue is a double edged sword . i love the way my body felt with the weight loss, i loved the endurance level i worked up to. but i hated the attention. the attention was the whole reason i had put the weight on in the first place, and mentally i know im not ready to shed it. ( i started putting the weight on because "my father" always commented on how disgusting he thought bigger females were, and didn't understand why anyone would find them attractive. so i figured that if i were to become one of those people that he found disgusting, he would stop what he was doing to me, needless to say, it didn't work. so i ate because there was nothing else to do, because i wasn't allowed to do anything else besides school or work.) i still got attention as a big girl.. as i am now, and when i was bigger, but i got more when i was loosing the weight. i used (use) my weight as a shield. i could take the mental and emotional beatings as long as it prevented the physical attention i didn't want. and deep down i know i need to figure out how to be comfortable enough to drop my shield, and get healthy. for me it's not about looking awesome in clothes. for me, especially now its just to be healthy. before it was healthy enough to concieve a child. goal accomplished. now its so i can be healthy to stay around for my son. so i guess what i'm trying to say is ; my inner skinny mini is ready to fight back against the fat attack!!  my goal isn't to be stick thin, i was happy and healthier at a size 16, as opposed to a 20-22.  now i just need to get my head in the game and get the ball rolling. i have someone else besides me to live for now.. two technically but one more importantly.

post partum here I come

apparently i was very naive to think that ppd (post partum depression for you non acryonym folks) was something that wouldn't touch me. i thought that because i handled everything else that was thrown to me in my life fairly well that ppd wouldn't be an issue. i mean ok, i know i have issues with everything that has happened, but all in all, i was able to deal with it myself. im not saying that i can't handle ppd, but it truly has shocked me that it is affecting me as much as it is. its not the the extremes as some (like driving my kid off a bridge or anything that drastic) but i did have thoughts of walking away from my son, leaving him in a park alone until my husband came back from his run. i didn't do it, but it scares me that the thought even crossed my mind. but this is my cycle, if you want to call it that. i tend to know my issues and deal with it when they come along. i mean i don't instantly recognize them, but when i do, i acknowledge them and deal with them. wow that's making me sound like a nut case.. at least to me anyways. anywho.. this is me acknowledging that more than likely i have ppd, and now im going to deal with it in my way. im going to try to start doing the things that i found enjoyable.. and more importantly im going to brush away the thoughts of leaving my family, and STOP eating! yeah.. after this chocolate bar is consumed :)

pity party for one please

i'm here to you know? i don't like being the friend that's only there when they invites themselves to things, or when its convienent for you. i would rather you not pretend that you like me,  then me think that we really are friends and feel neglected and left out. i know that im not your only friend, and i am by all means not trying to say that you should invite me to every single thing. but just knowing that you think about people sometimes is nice. you can't say that you are too busy to do anything when you are always talking about doing things with others. its almost like its a one sided friendship. im tired of always being the one thats expected to make plans call..whatever..i should just take it in stride, and leave it be.. i'm just feeling lonely is all.    :)

blogging and getting to know the bloggy(blogger?) aka "Attack of the blog babboon! "

so first and fore most, welcome. i've been wanting to start a blog for awhile now, and figured today was as good as a day as any. i think i've decided that now was better then the past other times that blogging has crossed my mind, because i feel as if i actually have something worth while to write about , as opposed to the nothing ness that was my life before? no that's not completely true. i like to write like someone will actually be reading what i write, i think that's why all my attempts to keep journals have failed in the past, because a journal is considered somewhat more private then a blog. to me a blog is meant for others to read, not jammed under a smelly old mattress or crammed in some other secretive and equally smelly hidey hole.

hopefully people will actually read this, even if it is just family members. warning all readers now, there will be no guarantee of the consistancy of this blog, nor will it be promised that any or all will make much sense. some might also be quite serious in nature, and the rest just nonsense. more than likely the majority of them will consist of my son in some way or another, in which case, those will be anything but nonsense. i assume that if your reading this blog, then you know me in some way or another, so will more then likely not ramble on and on about myself, unless im using this as a venting tool of sorts. i do tend to ramble about things. and if you really do know me then you know i tend to talk about things in a random sense, spewing whatever thought that crosses my mind out of my mouth at that particular time. for example, i wonder if all moms have gotten their kids ear imprinted on their arm when they fed them at some point in time.. anywho. i think this is an efficient enough first blog. lets see how long i can keep this going.