skinny mini, fat attack

         I know that i'm a big girl, there's no denying that. i find it ironic that the skinniest that i have been in a very long time was when i was pregnant, partially from working out, and partially because of "morning sickness". even though i know i'm a biggen, 9 times out of 10 i don't see myself that way, nor do i feel it either. its only when i try on clothes, or catch my reflection unexpectantly, that i remember that i am plus size. in my head i feel like im a size 12-14. it was fantastic that during my pregnancy i was close to it. so now after i push out a 6lb baby, i gain back all the weight, or damn near close to it, and all i can think is FUCK! i try to work out and it kicks my ass to do it. i am being constantly reminded that i need to build back my endurance. those who know me know that my heart likes to play games with me, and the one day that i was serious about working out , it kicked my ass. i was so out of breathe and my heart felt like it was going to literally beat itself out of my chest.

i know what it takes to get back to where i was. it's just the fact of getting back the motivation, the strength, the will, and findin the way. it was very time consuming working out as much as i did. and with a newborn and a husband with a demanding job, and limited childcare, its hard to do what i need to do to get back to where i was. i know i can do it at home if i wanted, and it seems like that will be have to be my option, but that has it's limitation with a son who wants to be held all the time, or fed every 1-2 hours more times then not.  i know that these are all excuses. i think more than anything, i miss my workout buddy. with sam, i knew that we were in the same boat body wise, and even though i know she's going to read this, and even though i know it wasn't a competition technically, to me it was. i used her as an extra motivation, and pushed myself that much harder to "beat " her on the scale that week. i felt bad doing it, and even bad admitting it, but i'm a competitive person, i can't help it. i felt equally bad when she was working out just as hard, hell, even more because she had a very VERY physical job (trust me i know! i did her job for a day and it wiped me out!.. and she did this 5 days out the week!!), and not seeing the results she wanted.

for me the whole weight issue is a double edged sword . i love the way my body felt with the weight loss, i loved the endurance level i worked up to. but i hated the attention. the attention was the whole reason i had put the weight on in the first place, and mentally i know im not ready to shed it. ( i started putting the weight on because "my father" always commented on how disgusting he thought bigger females were, and didn't understand why anyone would find them attractive. so i figured that if i were to become one of those people that he found disgusting, he would stop what he was doing to me, needless to say, it didn't work. so i ate because there was nothing else to do, because i wasn't allowed to do anything else besides school or work.) i still got attention as a big girl.. as i am now, and when i was bigger, but i got more when i was loosing the weight. i used (use) my weight as a shield. i could take the mental and emotional beatings as long as it prevented the physical attention i didn't want. and deep down i know i need to figure out how to be comfortable enough to drop my shield, and get healthy. for me it's not about looking awesome in clothes. for me, especially now its just to be healthy. before it was healthy enough to concieve a child. goal accomplished. now its so i can be healthy to stay around for my son. so i guess what i'm trying to say is ; my inner skinny mini is ready to fight back against the fat attack!!  my goal isn't to be stick thin, i was happy and healthier at a size 16, as opposed to a 20-22.  now i just need to get my head in the game and get the ball rolling. i have someone else besides me to live for now.. two technically but one more importantly.